Nietzsche said those things that don’t kill us can only make us stronger, and he was right. It is suffering which makes us truly appreciate pleasure.
Lately I haven’t been able to hear. I can sorta hear, when someone is close enough to me, or I am looking directly at them and can read their lips. But a lot of times people will find themselves screaming for me, or will actually have to move closer to where I am to be heard. It has become a major problem for me in my life, and is very unpleasant. My ears are constantly ringing and nothing I have tried to alleviate the problem seems to help. The other day I went to the doctor to have my ears flushed, and it took 2 ½ hours to flush only one! And it only mildly helped. I watch TV with the closed captions on (which has GOT to annoy Tom, but he’s a good sport about it!), and I have to blast the radio in the car to hear it. My coworkers have noticed my deafness, and it’s probably a drag for my boss to have to walk out of her office (which is right by my cube) to address me. But there is seemingly nothing I can do about it on my own, and I am just lucky that the people in my life are understanding and accepting of my disability.
When you lose your hearing, you really do “hear” the hidden messages people convey loud and clear. And you learn who your true friends are. Who can tolerate you when you are less than perfect, and who love you just the same.
Unfortunately, this is not the only lagging health issue I have to battle.
For the past three years I have been dealing with a terrible GI condition. You never realize how lucky it is to go to the bathroom without any trouble, until it becomes troublesome and you realize how you took it for granted that your system was normal and you could eat whatever you wanted without consequence. Now, I am lucky if I can eat anything mildly tasty, nevermind indulgent. Sometimes it’s so urgent I literally have to run. Other times I am unable to go and have the worst cramps you can imagine. Sometimes it’s bloody. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it’s just fine. Sometimes I wake up throwing up, or randomly throw up for no reason on an empty stomach. I’ll tell you right now, throwing up green bile is awful.
My grandfather had it too, it’s from the “agida” he told me. “Take it easy kiddo, you will kill yourself!” Your guts are directly tied to your nerves, that’s why your stomach flutters when you are nervous, or you feel like you have to pee real bad. For me it is multiplied intensely, and I feel like I might have an accident when it comes on suddenly. I’ve had to eliminate many foods from my diet, foods I love: red meat, excessive dairy, sweets, chocolate, caffeine, fried food, grease, oil, fatty foods, and white breads and wheats. It makes life taste a little more bland, but you can’t really put a price on a normal quality of life. There is nothing worse than being stuck in the bathroom for hours, or having to run as fast as you can and hope you make it.
Lastly, there’s my knee. I fell really hard on both knees when we moved into our new apartment in early November. At first, both knees were in excruciating pain all of the time. After a week, the right knee got better, and the left knee did not. It has now been almost two months since and my left knee is still torturing me. When I stand, when I sit, when I hyperextend, and when I bend it kills. I wake up at night from the pain, and nothing seems to help. At the doctor recently he told me it was not a bone issue, it was either a muscle or a ligament, probably a meniscus, and I should see an orthopedist for further treatment. I’m hoping it will run its course and go away. Knee injuries take a long time to heal.
But despite all this, I am happy, because one day, when/if I can hear again, and my GI tract goes back to a normal cycle, and my knee feels better, I will appreciate my health that much more.
